restored to grace

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. I feel like my life has been at a standstill, and I suppose that’s what’s being reflected here.

I’ve suffered a few hurts over the past few months—several obstacles that I’ve found it difficult to get past. But it seems God’s not finished with me.

Last week I had a conversation with a friend of mine that was a little jarring and difficult to get through. I understand she was just being honest about her assessment of me, but there are things I’m not comfortable with, and, while it may be to my detriment, I may never feel comfortable with them.

But hearing her opinion on this matter may be the catalyst needed for my realizing a new and better me.

To be honest, I don’t think I’m ready to make the changes she suggested. It’s foreign to me, and it makes me feel vulnerable and naked. But I understand her point, and I see where my spiritual and emotional health would be benefited by implementing these changes.

I think we all have things in our lives that, when someone points them out to us, we cringe at the thought of. But we’re just not ready to change those things. Because doing so would weaken the defenses we’ve spent our whole lives building.

I like where I am. It’s comfortable and familiar. It’s easy, and that’s what makes it dangerous.

But perhaps I need to take some risks. We’re getting close to 2010. Maybe it’s time for some resolutions.

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I was reading though Exodus recently, and I was struck by the beauty of the narrative. It’s a sweeping epic tale of the humble beginnings of the nation of Israel brought about by the overwhelming power of the Almighty.

And in the middle of this whirlwind was a man named Moses—a man who was born a slave, raised a prince, trained a shephered—a man with the audacity to defy the king of the most powerful empire in the world.

But like so many times throughout human history, God chose to use the ordinary to accomplish the miraculous.

Moses was not the epic leader we think of him as.

Sure, Egypt may have hailed him as her future king. And yes, he led Israel out of her captivity under Egypt’s fist.

But Moses was a coward who was full of excuses.

He ran away after killing a man, afraid of his royal family’s power.

When God gave him the charge to lead the Hebrew people out of Egypt, he whined. “I can’t face Pharaoh. Who am I to such a great king?”

You mean, other than a prince who might have been in line to take the throne of Egypt?

But God says, “I will be with you.” The Almighty has placed his Spirit upon Moses.

And still he complains?

“But what if they ask me who sent me? What do I tell them?”

Moses, isn’t it enough that the God of the universe has asked you to do something and has given you his power to accomplish the task? You have to keep worrying about the hypothetical?

“But what if they don’t believe me?”

Jeez, Moses! What do you want, a miracle?

“Oh, I forgot. . . I suck at public speaking.”

Who created you, Moses? Who gave you the ability to speak? What does God have to do to get our attention?

And as annoyed as God might have been with Moses, there’s a sentence in Exodus 33 that reads: “Inside the Tent of Meeting, the Lord would speak to Moses face-to-face, as a man speaks to a friend” (emphasis added).

God doesn’t come to us as a friend because we ask him to. He doesn’t bend to the will and desires of humans. God speaks to us as a friend because he wants to.

His words are right in front of you. He’s writing to you as a friend. Are you paying attention to him?

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Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole.

I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.

You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don’t see him, yet you trust him—with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you’ll get what you’re looking forward to: total salvation.

I read passages like these, and during a normal season of my life, it fills me with hope and excitement. But there are dark times that make reading something like this difficult and frustrating. “A day is coming” sounds cheap, almost like “It’s gonna be okay” when you know better.

And it’s easy to feel that way. It’s almost like there’s no way out of a rut you’ve been in for too long. It’s easy to give in because it’s been like this for what feels like an eternity. There’s no direction to life, no purpose anymore, no real fulfillment where there once was pure joy.

But maybe this is for the better. As dark as today may seem, there is a tomorrow. And through the trials we become better, stronger, more resilient. We may not see the completion of our salvation now, but take heart. God has promised to complete it. Like Paul wrote to the church in Philippi, “I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

In 627 BCE a man named Jeremiah began his ministry in ancient Israel. He wasn’t exactly a popular fellow because he promised his country that they would be taken captive and hauled away to a foreign land. Obviously people didn’t want to hear that their great nation was going to be defeated and carried off.

But Jeremiah spoke the truth.

In 586 BCE the Babylonian Empire swept through Israel and hauled the population off to Babylon.

But in the middle of all of Jeremiah’s predictions of destruction was a word of hope.

This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you. I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land” (emphasis added).

In the middle of our pain and suffering,

in the middle of our distress and anxiety,

in the middle of our frustration and hopelessness,

God promises a future.

And because of Jesus, that future starts now.

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I keep a little bit of a prayer journal. There are a lot of gaps in it, mostly because I get too scared to immortalize my prayers on paper.

Anyway, I was going through some old entries when I stumbled on these three. I was struck by how much can change in just a few days. I’ve actually never shared this story with anyone because I was afraid to let people see this much. But it’s just too awesome to keep hidden forever.

~Sunday~
Today was amazing, Father. Thank you again for the opportunity to help out in such an amazing ministry. Thank you for these people and the time I get to share with them. You’ve blessed me with some amazing friends.

God, I’m excited about the ministry that you’ve blessed me with at Liquid Kids. I’m humbled by the amount of leadership Bill trusts me with. I don’t get that at all, but it’s in your hands, not mine.

Oh, and thanks for the little break he let me have. As much as I love Liquid Kids, it was definitely nice to have a Sunday off.

God, I don’t know what you have in store for me, but I get the impression that Liquid is going to play a big part in your plan for my future.

Father, please put me in the right place at the right time.

~Monday~
I need your strength, Father. Today was such a difficult and frustrating day. I felt stifled, and I’m angry about the situation I’m in. I’m sorry for being discontent, but it’s so hard right now.

God, you know how unhappy I am at this job. I need your help right now. I know you delight in giving good gifts to your children, so I’m asking you for one.

I want to be able to use the skills you gave me, and I know it’s impatient, but I want to put them to use as soon as possible.

God, I hate the way this sounds, but I’m so frustrated! I’m dying for a change.

I trust you’re sending something, though. Please help me be patient.

~Tuesday~
Sorry about last night, Father. I was overwhelmed with yesterday’s frustration that I didn’t take any time to thank you for all the blessings you’ve given me. With all the sin that continues to destroy my life, you’ve still chosen to use me mightily in your ministry.

You already know my hurts and frustrations, and I don’t want to go into all that again this morning because in the middle of all these struggles, I still have so much to be thankful for. Last weekend was all about you, God. Please help me make that true about my whole life.

I love you, Father.

Every Tuesday morning I get together with my mentor and pastor for some coffee and chatting. That Tuesday, instead of our ordinary talks, he offered me a job with Liquid Kids. Little did I know what road that would take me on.

But I’m thankful for that moment because it taught me so much about God. It taught me that God listens. It taught me that God loves. That moment became the catalyst for a whole lot of internal change in my life.

I still get together with my mentor every Tuesday. And even though I’m not working for him at Liquid anymore he still leads, prods, and teaches me.

His most recent challenge to me was the legacy he’s leaving with me. He has taught me so much, and I refuse to let it go to waste. It’s time for me to step up.

That Tuesday was no coincidence. It was a catalyst to bring me to new heights of worship and ministry.

And I intend to find my next one.

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I’ve been reading a book by Craig Gross and Jason Harper called Jesus Loves You. . . This I Know, and in the chapter titled “Jesus Loves the Forgotten,” Craig recounts the story of a boy who died alone for no other reason than this: everyone forgot about him.

Some kids in a youth group were encouraged to include even the outcast when inviting other kids to a big lakeside party. A socially awkward boy was invited, and gradually made friends. He pensively swam, with some help, (he was a very inexperience swimmer) to a floating island where the other kids were playing.

Eventually the kids went back to the shore to enjoy cake inside the lakehouse.

But the boy was still on the island.

Everyone went home, but no one remembered the boy alone on the island.

After he was reported missing, a diving search team found his body at the bottom of the lake. It was presumed that he had tried at some point to swim back to shore, but an asthma attack prevented him from reaching.

I’m going to be very honest. There are many times I feel like that boy. I often feel alone and forgotten.

Israel Houghton sang these words: “I am not forgotten.”

We may feel like no one remembers us, but if we consider Jesus’ love for us, we’ll remember that he can’t forget us.

Jesus loves us. I know this because he’s made that promise.

And Jesus never breaks a promise.

This I know.

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I was reading through Revelation 1 yesterday when I stumbled on a passage that had a very intriguing setup.

John describes a powerful, majestic, and terrifying incarnation of Christ. But immediately following this description, Christ says, “Do not be afraid.”

It’s almost as if he’s saying, “Look at what I did for you. I am the Eternal One, and yet I stooped down to experience death for you. But I didn’t stop there. I destroyed death so that you wouldn’t have to taste it. I control Hell so you won’t have to go there. So yeah, there’s no reason to be afraid.”

But if we’re honest, we’ll admit that fear is what drives our lives.

If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you’ve seen that I’m obsessed with the concept of love. It’s fascinating to me because it’s probably one of the greatest mysteries of our humanity, yet it’s the most common aspect of our lives. It’s also (supposed to be) the defining point of Christians. (I’ll refrain from my rant about Christians’ failure to exhibit this feature.)

So here’s an interesting thought about love and fear. . .

Love, in its purest form, is completely fearless.

Odd, isn’t it? I mean, fear and love seem to go hand-in-hand. We’re afraid to love because we might get burned.

Or the love won’t be reciprocated.

Or we might be taken advantage of.

All legitimate fears. But none have any place near love.

Check this out.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
~1 John 4.18

Um. Ouch.

I strive to love perfectly, flawlessly, purely. Yet I’m held back by fear. And I think it’s this fear that is crippling me and keeping me from becoming the man that God is calling me to be.

Fear destroys love. The most common command in the Bible is “Do not be afraid” or some variation of it. I think it’s time I start obeying this command.

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So today was an interesting day. It was unseasonably cool with a slight chill in the air. It was dry today (which is extremely uncharacteristic considering the massive amounts of humidity we’ve been getting these last few months).

I went to work for the last time at the job I loved more than any other job I’ve had. Definitely a bittersweet time. Yesterday was tougher though. Today wasn’t really as difficult because there weren’t a whole lot of goodbyes involved. Just a lot of “I’ll miss seeing you more than once a week” types of things.

Yesterday was loaded with some extremely difficult goodbyes. Too many. But I’ll probably talk about that in another entry. For now, I’m just talking about today.

I got home from work and had some amazing breaded chicken dish that my mom made. Simply astounding. I’d forgotten just how awesome she can be at this stuff.

After dinner digested, I went for a run in Parsippany with some good friends. Somewhere near three miles I think. Our normal course was interrupted by the darkness that overshadowed it, so we ended up using a shortcut through some better lit areas. That probably shaved several hundred feet from our projected three-mile run. I hadn’t gone since last Saturday, so it was good to get back out there. My left shin wasn’t doing so hot at the end of it, and I noticed some serious pain there during the post-run stretch.

Earlier today I had bought a case of Sam Adams’ Octoberfest for a BBQ I’m having after the 5K on Sunday. It’s probably my favorite Märzen (if not my favorite pilsner or even lager), and I couldn’t resist pouring myself a glass tonight. It was such a welcoming flavor. I’m so glad it’s back on the tap. It’s possibly the perfect taste to complement the coming autumn months.

The Octoberfest pours into a rather dark reddish amber with a creamy off-white one- to two-finger head. It has a fairly insignificant fragrance; a bit of bread mixed with a sweet nuttiness and a smooth caramel. The smell is typical of most lagers. The carbonation hits pretty quickly, carrying a biscuity flavor with it. Initially I tasted a hint of freshly baked bread, but it finished with a rather syrupy sweetness and hints of apples and grapes. It’s a full-bodied Märzen that’s a bit heavy, but quite enjoyable.

I started reading through Revelation again today. Wow. More on that in another entry.

So that was my day. All in all, an excellent Monday. I can’t wait to see what Tuesday has in store for me.

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My friend Beth posted a fantastic entry on this passage, and as I read it, I couldn’t help but be struck by the inclusiveness of the language.

God pours out his blessings on everyone. No matter what.

All we have to do is ask him.

What’s sad is that we often assume that we have to live a certain way or do certain things before God is willing to share his love with us.

So we slave to earn God’s favor, and hope that he’s happy with the work we’re doing.

But Paul wrote a different story about God.

“If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us?”
~Romans 8.32

It’s interesting to see how much our lives change through a simple change in perspective. You can look at your life one way, believing God to be an angry judge waiting to see us screw up, seeing every difficult or painful situation as a way for him to find fault in what we’re doing. Or you can look at life another way, seeing God as a benevolent king who wants nothing more than to watch you grow and mature, embracing every trial as an opportunity to become stronger and wiser.

And God wants this for us. He’s longing to give us great things. He wants our lives to be fulfilled and joyful. The letter writer James put it this way:

“Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.”
~James 1.17-18

We mean a lot to God. Isn’t there comfort in knowing this? Maybe a simple shift in perspective is all we need.

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I’m pissed off about the impotence of today’s Christian culture.

We’re a powerless lot, with no agenda beyond that of finding fault in everything our society is doing.

But we’ve been given so much more.

Uncle Ben said it best: “With great power comes great responsibility.”

We’ve been given an enormous amount of power with which we’ve been charged to change the world. Christ left us this promise:

“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

But what exactly is this power?

Christ did all kinds of powerful things while he was on earth. He healed the sick, he raised the dead, he multiplied food. But all of these acts were but a reflection of the immensely powerful act he would perform at the end of his life.

He would put an end to death.

And that power resides within us.

And with that power comes a charge: to unite the world and reconcile everything back to God.

But now in Christ Jesus you who were once far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he is our peace; in his flesh he has made both groups into one and has broken down the dividing wall, that is, the hostility between us. He has abolished the law with its commandments and ordinances, that he might create in himself one new humanity in place of the two, thus making peace, and might reconcile both groups to God in one body through the cross, thus putting to death that hostility through it.
~Ephesians 2.13-16

It’s somewhat depressing to see that Christians don’t take this charge seriously. But what depresses me even more is seeing Christians who think they’re taking it seriously, but are doing more harm than good, and are actually doing everything they can to turn people away. If something isn’t working, get rid of it! It’s not bad to look at numbers; numbers can be a good way to judge whether your work is effective. If it’s not, try something new. This calling is too important to be wasted on clinging to tradition or what worked twenty years ago.

God calls us to something much bigger than ourselves. He wants to use us as vehicles for his message to the world.

If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.
2 Corinthians 5.17-20

Yes, it’s thrilling to think that “the same power that conquered the grave lives in me,” but if that power isn’t doing anything through us, maybe it’s time to take a long, hard look at ourselves and reevaluate what we’re doing with that power.

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Have you ever been alone with God?

It’s funny how for much of my life I talked a lot about how awesome God is, how amazing Jesus’ work was, blah blah blah.

But when I came face to face with my Creator today, all of that changed.

For two hours my entire world was wrapped up in every facet of his being.

Majesty.

Splendor.

Glory.

And I was left speechless, dumbfounded, and in awe. I fell to the ground, my knees jolting with the impact. The trees above me seemed to whisper as the wind whistled through their branches: “Hallelujah,” they hissed.

As I pulled myself from the ground and began walking again, images of those whom God had used in my life flashed through my mind. And he began to reveal more of himself to me.

Love.

Grace.

Excitement.

I thought of the deeper friendships that I’ve cultivated over the past few years. The men who mentored and discipled me. The friends I shared my love and companionship with. The children I taught and cared for. And once again, I was left humbled and confounded.

This God who spoke breath into my life, who raised up and destroyed nations, who whispered entire galaxies into existence. . . this God is my Daddy, and he loves me.

That’s what I found in my secret place.

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